I spent the last two weeks reading and taking notes on How to Win Friends and Influence People (affiliate link) by Dale Carnegie. My goal in reading the book was to extract the key principles and incorporate them into my life.
I was first introduced to this “how to” book about 12 years ago when I was in grad school. It was optional reading for my negotiation class and I opted not to read it. Judging from the title, How to Win Friends and Influence People, it seemed to be about manipulating people to get them to do what you want.
What makes me pick up the book now is my desire to become a better leader. As a leader, you have to be able to influence others in a way that is agreeable and sustainable in the long run. My hope was that this book can provide some guidance and if there were evil tricks in there, I’d try to only use it for good.
I was glad to find that my assumptions were completely wrong. How to Win Friends and Influence People emphasizes the necessity of being authentic, genuine, and sincere in your relationship with others. What’s more, it mentions if your intentions are to manipulate then the strategies don’t work.
Dale Carnegie outlines 30 principles to win friends and influence people. Halfway through reading the book, it became clear that I wouldn’t be able to commit those principles to memory, as they are written. If I wanted to incorporate them into my life, I’d have to extract the overarching themes and focus on those.
After careful review and help from this YouTube video, I’ve come up with four themes to win friends and influence people.
Theme 1: Suspend criticism
People don’t like when they are criticized even when they are wrong. If you want people to like you don’t be so quick to judge. Instead, you should aim to understand their perspective. You don’t have to agree but be sympathetic to others’ viewpoints and keep your critiques to yourself.
Theme 2: Sincere praise
Look to find something you sincerely appreciate in others and tell them about it. In practice, people do the exact opposite of Themes 1 and 2. They are quick to criticize others and rarely mention what they appreciate. People like being appreciated, so do it early and often. A quote emphasized in the book is, “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” Showing appreciation should not be mistaken with flattery. Flattery is false praise. People can instinctively sense when you’re being fake so avoid it at all times. Be sincere. Be honest. Look for opportunities to show appreciation.
Theme 3: Others’ interests
Find out what others around you are interested in and ask them about it. Ask them what a beginner can do to get started with learning more. Be curious about their interest in the subject. How did they get started with it? What made them interested in it in the first place? Be sincere and honest in your curiosity. You’ll learn something and gain a friend in the process.
Theme 4: Align goals
Before you ask anyone to do anything, make sure it will positively benefit them if they agree. Everyone’s time is precious so they have to prioritize tasks accordingly. If you suggest something that aligns with what they want, they’ll be more likely to prioritize your suggestion over everything else and (when you get good at this) they’ll thank you for it.
In closing
Boiling down How to Win Friends and Influence People to four digestible themes—suspending criticism, showing sincere praise, showing interest in others, and make requests by aligning goals—is how I will incorporate the lessons I’ve learned from the book into my life.
This is a very brief summation so, if you’re interested in this topic, dive into the book and give it a read. There are many tactics and stories that help illustrate how to apply the principles that I didn’t include here.
If you’ve read the book, I’m curious to learn if you agree with my themes? If not, what are the insights you’ve gathered? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.